Another question to mull over

What does it mean to have grace for myself?

I had a conversation about a week ago that pointed out some areas where I was not extending enough grace. I left feeling quite raw, since I felt like I had done everything in my power to make amends/do the right thing. And yet there are people asking me to bend more. How could I possibly give more when I have nothing left?

I have found there to be a lot of truth to that last statement: if I don't have anything myself, how can I give it away? I don't think Jesus expects me to give out of my emptiness, except with his own power working through me. But in the case of grace, I think he wants me to experience more than just giving it to others because of his power within me.

I wonder if he wants me to experience his grace towards me fully, and even more than that, grace towards myself because that's how he treats me.

Taking a quick look back, I haven't had much grace for myself ever in life. I have hard-lined myself into doing many things just for the sake of accomplishing stuff. With no room for messing up. Heaven forbid I fall off the accomplishment train and lose all sense of purpose in life. No doubt I am glad for many of the things I've done and things I've learned along the way, but I've jeopardized some things on this road, too: my health, some relationships, my own relationship with God. That's the stuff I regret.

So obviously I want to change this part and live with infinite grace towards myself and others, but I don't know what that looks like.

Any ideas?

Insomnia should be good for something, right?

Yep, good ol' insomnia strikes again. I seem to go through these phases of sleeping really well at night for a while and then not sleeping well at all for a while. Been in the latter phase for a week now, and the only certain cure I've learned through these phases is to just ride it out. When I've tried every other cure I know each night and it still doesn't work, I figure it doesn't make sense to fight it anymore and I should just get up and be productive.

So I pose a few questions that I've been wondering for a while:

-In light of the many horrendous acts of violence and fatalities this week, do you think it seems like these actions are happening more frequently than ever before, or do you just think we have more exposure to learn of these events than we did in the past, thanks to the media? Sometimes I wonder if all these bad things happening so frequently means the Lord is coming back soon, and sometimes I think I would benefit greatly from a less-technology/media-saturated lifestyle. I don't know the right answer, but I'm glad God does, and I'm curious to know your take on the matter.

-Marriage equality: Do you think it should be allowed in the US, or for that matter, anywhere in the world? As a Christian, I wonder what side I should stand on in this issue. On one hand, I don't want to support people living in sin, but on the other hand, I know the Bible says not to judge those outside of the church. And then there's the whole issue of whether or not you think the government should even be involved in deciding this kind of thing, but that debate is beyond my intern pay grade. Anyway, so far when people have asked for my stance on this issue, I have taken a non-action stance in saying that my only job is to love people unconditionally as best I can in this life, and that it's God's job to judge people. So again, I don't know the absolute answer on this issue, but I'm glad God does, and that he is much bigger than this entire issue anyway. But what do you think?

Quick updates on myself: health-wise I'm doing ok. I was quite sick with some weird virus thing the last week-and-some, but I'm doing mostly better. I still have a ferociously itchy rash all over my body, which is unbelievably annoying, especially when little can be done to relieve the itch. I'm most excited about my vacation to Texas coming up soon. Can't wait to be back in the land of familiarity and great friends. I don't know what I'm doing when this internship ends in 4 months, and I am still at peace with not knowing. Weird, I know, but if you ask what my plans are and I keep responding, "I don't know," that's not a cue to worry about me. Because I am not. :) God knows what's happening, and he'll tell me when I need to know, I figure.

Hope all is well in your world. -JM