What does it mean to have grace for myself?
I had a conversation about a week ago that pointed out some areas where I was not extending enough grace. I left feeling quite raw, since I felt like I had done everything in my power to make amends/do the right thing. And yet there are people asking me to bend more. How could I possibly give more when I have nothing left?
I have found there to be a lot of truth to that last statement: if I don't have anything myself, how can I give it away? I don't think Jesus expects me to give out of my emptiness, except with his own power working through me. But in the case of grace, I think he wants me to experience more than just giving it to others because of his power within me.
I wonder if he wants me to experience his grace towards me fully, and even more than that, grace towards myself because that's how he treats me.
Taking a quick look back, I haven't had much grace for myself ever in life. I have hard-lined myself into doing many things just for the sake of accomplishing stuff. With no room for messing up. Heaven forbid I fall off the accomplishment train and lose all sense of purpose in life. No doubt I am glad for many of the things I've done and things I've learned along the way, but I've jeopardized some things on this road, too: my health, some relationships, my own relationship with God. That's the stuff I regret.
So obviously I want to change this part and live with infinite grace towards myself and others, but I don't know what that looks like.
Any ideas?
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Insomnia should be good for something, right?
Yep, good ol' insomnia strikes again. I seem to go through these phases of sleeping really well at night for a while and then not sleeping well at all for a while. Been in the latter phase for a week now, and the only certain cure I've learned through these phases is to just ride it out. When I've tried every other cure I know each night and it still doesn't work, I figure it doesn't make sense to fight it anymore and I should just get up and be productive.
So I pose a few questions that I've been wondering for a while:
-In light of the many horrendous acts of violence and fatalities this week, do you think it seems like these actions are happening more frequently than ever before, or do you just think we have more exposure to learn of these events than we did in the past, thanks to the media? Sometimes I wonder if all these bad things happening so frequently means the Lord is coming back soon, and sometimes I think I would benefit greatly from a less-technology/media-saturated lifestyle. I don't know the right answer, but I'm glad God does, and I'm curious to know your take on the matter.
-Marriage equality: Do you think it should be allowed in the US, or for that matter, anywhere in the world? As a Christian, I wonder what side I should stand on in this issue. On one hand, I don't want to support people living in sin, but on the other hand, I know the Bible says not to judge those outside of the church. And then there's the whole issue of whether or not you think the government should even be involved in deciding this kind of thing, but that debate is beyond my intern pay grade. Anyway, so far when people have asked for my stance on this issue, I have taken a non-action stance in saying that my only job is to love people unconditionally as best I can in this life, and that it's God's job to judge people. So again, I don't know the absolute answer on this issue, but I'm glad God does, and that he is much bigger than this entire issue anyway. But what do you think?
Quick updates on myself: health-wise I'm doing ok. I was quite sick with some weird virus thing the last week-and-some, but I'm doing mostly better. I still have a ferociously itchy rash all over my body, which is unbelievably annoying, especially when little can be done to relieve the itch. I'm most excited about my vacation to Texas coming up soon. Can't wait to be back in the land of familiarity and great friends. I don't know what I'm doing when this internship ends in 4 months, and I am still at peace with not knowing. Weird, I know, but if you ask what my plans are and I keep responding, "I don't know," that's not a cue to worry about me. Because I am not. :) God knows what's happening, and he'll tell me when I need to know, I figure.
Hope all is well in your world. -JM
So I pose a few questions that I've been wondering for a while:
-In light of the many horrendous acts of violence and fatalities this week, do you think it seems like these actions are happening more frequently than ever before, or do you just think we have more exposure to learn of these events than we did in the past, thanks to the media? Sometimes I wonder if all these bad things happening so frequently means the Lord is coming back soon, and sometimes I think I would benefit greatly from a less-technology/media-saturated lifestyle. I don't know the right answer, but I'm glad God does, and I'm curious to know your take on the matter.
-Marriage equality: Do you think it should be allowed in the US, or for that matter, anywhere in the world? As a Christian, I wonder what side I should stand on in this issue. On one hand, I don't want to support people living in sin, but on the other hand, I know the Bible says not to judge those outside of the church. And then there's the whole issue of whether or not you think the government should even be involved in deciding this kind of thing, but that debate is beyond my intern pay grade. Anyway, so far when people have asked for my stance on this issue, I have taken a non-action stance in saying that my only job is to love people unconditionally as best I can in this life, and that it's God's job to judge people. So again, I don't know the absolute answer on this issue, but I'm glad God does, and that he is much bigger than this entire issue anyway. But what do you think?
Quick updates on myself: health-wise I'm doing ok. I was quite sick with some weird virus thing the last week-and-some, but I'm doing mostly better. I still have a ferociously itchy rash all over my body, which is unbelievably annoying, especially when little can be done to relieve the itch. I'm most excited about my vacation to Texas coming up soon. Can't wait to be back in the land of familiarity and great friends. I don't know what I'm doing when this internship ends in 4 months, and I am still at peace with not knowing. Weird, I know, but if you ask what my plans are and I keep responding, "I don't know," that's not a cue to worry about me. Because I am not. :) God knows what's happening, and he'll tell me when I need to know, I figure.
Hope all is well in your world. -JM
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Snorkeling Molokini
On a lighter note, I snorkeled Molokini with my Friday adventure buddy, Bobbi, last Friday and it was truly incredible! I always feel like snorkeling is like swimming in a giant aquarium, but this took the gold medal for best snorkel experience so far. I saw tons of fun fish- the one that has 2 eyes on one side and lies flat in the sand until it's ready to eat a passer-by; 2 types of needle nose, silvery-colored fish; black, white, and yellow angel fish; black with white polka dots fish; the most fearless schools of black fish (greeted my face when I got in the water, and held their ground in front of my boat's ladder while I tried to exit the water); and of course the state fish, humuhumunukunukuapua'a, along with tons of other ocean beauties. The various colors and endless amounts of coral were absolutely mesmerizing as the sun rays glimmered through the aqua blue water. I could have stared at that for days! I loved seeing so many whale pods on our boat trip to Molokini, but hearing them talk when I was underwater was unforgettable.
After Molokini, our boat took us to Turtle Town, off the coast of our local white sand beach, where I got to swim with a sea turtle. Yes! It happened! And it was amazing! The turtles here have been here so long, they are used to humans, so when we are in their way, they do not care. They are protected by law so that people supposedly won't touch them, but when they swim right next to you, it's so tempting not to reach out and touch their shells! I resisted, for fear of that $250,000 fine that our boat captain and crew surely would've slapped on me. I'm adventurous to an extent, I guess :)
On our way back to the harbor, our boat crew said a certain pod of dolphins usually lives in Turtle Town, but they are only there about 40% of the time, so the chances of us seeing them were unlikely, especially since it is winter time, and whale season. The South Maui Hawaii Spinner Dolphins (yes, they even have their own name) decided to escort our boat home though! I stood on the right side of the boat all the way home, watching them swim and play next to our boat. Such a great way to make my snorkel trip unparalleled to any other!
And as much as I wished I had an underwater camera to capture all of this, I really enjoyed just experiencing it and being fully in the moment instead of worrying about taking pictures/video of everything. So, sorry I can't show much of this, but you'll just have to come check it out yourself. :)
o Snorkeling
in Molokini
o Haleakala
o Hana
o Learn
to surf
o Paddleboard
o Have
a palm Christmas Tree
o Get
ostriched by a wave
o See
the Banyan tree
o Find
Crush and Squirt a.k.a. Turtles
o Eat
sugar cane
o Eat
poi
o Hiking
After Molokini, our boat took us to Turtle Town, off the coast of our local white sand beach, where I got to swim with a sea turtle. Yes! It happened! And it was amazing! The turtles here have been here so long, they are used to humans, so when we are in their way, they do not care. They are protected by law so that people supposedly won't touch them, but when they swim right next to you, it's so tempting not to reach out and touch their shells! I resisted, for fear of that $250,000 fine that our boat captain and crew surely would've slapped on me. I'm adventurous to an extent, I guess :)
On our way back to the harbor, our boat crew said a certain pod of dolphins usually lives in Turtle Town, but they are only there about 40% of the time, so the chances of us seeing them were unlikely, especially since it is winter time, and whale season. The South Maui Hawaii Spinner Dolphins (yes, they even have their own name) decided to escort our boat home though! I stood on the right side of the boat all the way home, watching them swim and play next to our boat. Such a great way to make my snorkel trip unparalleled to any other!
And as much as I wished I had an underwater camera to capture all of this, I really enjoyed just experiencing it and being fully in the moment instead of worrying about taking pictures/video of everything. So, sorry I can't show much of this, but you'll just have to come check it out yourself. :)
Me, and my Friday adventure buddy, Bobbi! We have such great Fridays together!
The color of the water. Oh yes, quite fabulous. :D
Turtle Town, off the coast of our local white sand beach, with Haleakala in the background.
So Bobbi and I both have most of Friday off, and we decided to start working on our bucket lists. It's been so fun getting to know her and taking in all this island has to offer by storm! Here's a quick update on my bucket list so far:
o Go
to a pig-roasting luau
o Go
parasailing
o Swim
with dolphins
o Ziplining
o Whale
watching
o Island
Hop
o Go
to a surf competition
o Find
Jaws
o Stay
in a fancy hotel
o Windsurfing
o Spearfish
o Learn
how to hula
o Black
Sand beach
o Drink
milk straight from a coconut
o Find
my own pineapple
o Red
Sand beach
Good thing I still have 6 months left, eh? :)
A Diagnosis
My last blood test showed that I have an autoimmune disease. I will have more tests in April to determine which one it is, but the overall detection certainly explains every health thing I've struggled with for about 13 years: tired all the time, frequently sick, prolonged healing of injuries and illness.
So it's a relief to know it's actually something, but there's no doubt that this is a lot to take in. And as much as I would like to be around family and friends who've known my struggles for longer than 6 months, there's obviously a reason I'm learning this here.
The doctor who ordered this test is the only board-certified gastroenterologist in the state, and the time she spent with me during my first appointment was worth the 2-month wait to see her. She called with my results as I was on my way to be a counselor at our Tweens Camp. I told her I'd been tested for several things over the years, even by a rheumatologist at Duke University 2 years ago. She said the presence of evidence can change with age, current symptoms during testing, and most importantly, the type of test ordered.
So how did she know to order that specific blood test, and why did something finally show up when I took the test? I don't know, but thank God.
Am I scared for what this means and how this changes the rest of my life? Yep.
Do I wish I had known sooner, or at least been around close friends and family during this time? Yep.
But am I ready to finally move forward from just wondering what's going on and into a time of learning how to help myself feel better? Most definitely.
My greatest prayer needs are: to feel understood and supported by friends here, and to stay thankful for this time.
Thanks.
So it's a relief to know it's actually something, but there's no doubt that this is a lot to take in. And as much as I would like to be around family and friends who've known my struggles for longer than 6 months, there's obviously a reason I'm learning this here.
The doctor who ordered this test is the only board-certified gastroenterologist in the state, and the time she spent with me during my first appointment was worth the 2-month wait to see her. She called with my results as I was on my way to be a counselor at our Tweens Camp. I told her I'd been tested for several things over the years, even by a rheumatologist at Duke University 2 years ago. She said the presence of evidence can change with age, current symptoms during testing, and most importantly, the type of test ordered.
So how did she know to order that specific blood test, and why did something finally show up when I took the test? I don't know, but thank God.
Am I scared for what this means and how this changes the rest of my life? Yep.
Do I wish I had known sooner, or at least been around close friends and family during this time? Yep.
But am I ready to finally move forward from just wondering what's going on and into a time of learning how to help myself feel better? Most definitely.
My greatest prayer needs are: to feel understood and supported by friends here, and to stay thankful for this time.
Thanks.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Wow, it's been fun lately!
Despite being sick for 2+ weeks, it's been really fun around here lately! Last Saturday (Jan. 12th), I finally felt well enough to celebrate my 25th birthday, so I deemed the day "celebration day." So fun! I started off braving the outside world by going on the Waihe'e (Why-hey-ay) Ridge Hike with a group of really great people. The hike was far too strenuous for me, but I survived, and am SO glad I went on it and finished! Absolutely stunning....
It's been a fun week with new friends and such enjoyable adventures. I must admit, though, this week has not come without a significant hardship: homesickness. Hard to admit it or probably for you to believe it as you see where I live, but it's the people I miss, really. It all started a few weeks ago as I tried to shop for a flight to Dallas in February, so I could visit many people and catch a show of Sing Song in Abilene. Flight prices have doubled, and the Lord gently reminded me that I have a Brazil mission trip to save up for. I just can't afford the vacation right now, I realized. Then, last Sunday I went to my friend Dave's house for a potluck. He had smoked ribs, homemade BBQ sauce, real sweet tea, and my friend Whitney had brought queso dip. One bite and it was official: I am homesick. We had such great fellowship that night, and it only solidified my desperate longing for fellowship with my Texas buds. Oy vey, it's been a rough week trying to shake that off.
The dates for Brazil have been set (May 3-13th), and my heart is not in it. I don't know what I'll be doing down there, and don't have the $2,500 raised. The small portion I do have raised I am having a hard time releasing to the mission trip, as I want to use it for a vacation. So my prayer request is this: that the Lord may reveal my purpose in this trip and I may be passionate/excited about it, and that all the funds may come in so I don't have to dip into my own reserves. A big request, I know, but He has a way of surprising us sometimes.
Enjoy your week, and let me know some of the blessings you are seeing.
Valley between the West Maui mountains
Look how green it is here! This is what happens when it rains, I guess :)
This was the "Hawaii" I was waiting for.
Going up... and up... on the ridge!
Fun people! L-R: Michelle, Gladys, Jena (ex-intern), Kalani (worship pastor), Clint and Taylor (married), Leeann (Michelle's roommate).
I reached the top! Sad it was cloudy, but made for a much cooler hike.
Fear not, we have John Deeres here.
On the way down! I have no idea what Jena is doing, but she's hilarious, so I'm sure I was laughing.
Ah, the view from just the parking lot!
The parking lot, the other direction... stunning!
I won the "muddiest calves" award... it rained on our way down! Made for some treacherous falls and slow-going, but I love the rain. 7.4 miles round trip in 5 hours- glad I have something to show for it!
Later that evening, I had the interns and my 2 favorite friends over for dinner and games. Such a fun group!
We played telephone pictionary... ALWAYS makes for side-splitting laughs. L-R: Marissa, roomie Rachel, and Laura.
Wes made his famous funfetti cake for me
Great friends- L-R: Jena, sunburned face Jo, Laura, and roomie Rachel.
Monday night (Jan 14th), it rained in Kihei!! Rarely happens, so of course we went out and played in it :) Our church property has great hills, so we slid down the hills, ran through the sprinklers (yes, those were on), and had such a good time. And yes, more mud :)
At a recent Friday night service, my friend Bobbi and I discovered we both have Fridays free, so we decided to go on a hike this past Friday (Jan 18th). We did the Twin Falls hike. Another stunning hike and day, and a cake walk compared to Waihe'e Ridge :)
First fall, and the better of the 2.
We had to wade through the river to reach the falls... such fun to keep balance! I felt so rugged. Bobbi did not.
Made it without dropping the camera!
My Friday adventure buddy, Bobbi!
So many lovely plants on this hike, that can only be described as "Dr. Seussical"!
While we drove to lunch, we saw how clear it really was, so we stopped at Ho'okipa (Hoh-oh-kee-pa) Bay. Breath-taking, and I couldn't stop smiling!
If you look in the distance, you can see the island of Molokai, one of the 4 islands in Maui county. Very rare to see this! And look at that rolling surf- just unreal isn't it?!
It's been a fun week with new friends and such enjoyable adventures. I must admit, though, this week has not come without a significant hardship: homesickness. Hard to admit it or probably for you to believe it as you see where I live, but it's the people I miss, really. It all started a few weeks ago as I tried to shop for a flight to Dallas in February, so I could visit many people and catch a show of Sing Song in Abilene. Flight prices have doubled, and the Lord gently reminded me that I have a Brazil mission trip to save up for. I just can't afford the vacation right now, I realized. Then, last Sunday I went to my friend Dave's house for a potluck. He had smoked ribs, homemade BBQ sauce, real sweet tea, and my friend Whitney had brought queso dip. One bite and it was official: I am homesick. We had such great fellowship that night, and it only solidified my desperate longing for fellowship with my Texas buds. Oy vey, it's been a rough week trying to shake that off.
The dates for Brazil have been set (May 3-13th), and my heart is not in it. I don't know what I'll be doing down there, and don't have the $2,500 raised. The small portion I do have raised I am having a hard time releasing to the mission trip, as I want to use it for a vacation. So my prayer request is this: that the Lord may reveal my purpose in this trip and I may be passionate/excited about it, and that all the funds may come in so I don't have to dip into my own reserves. A big request, I know, but He has a way of surprising us sometimes.
Enjoy your week, and let me know some of the blessings you are seeing.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Any ideas?
After about a 2-month wait to see the only board-certified GI specialist in the state, I finally had my appointment with this doctor yesterday. She is a great doctor, and certainly lives up to the hype everyone says about her. She was very thorough with me, asking all sorts of questions about my health history and current symptoms. She says all signs point to severe IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). I told her I'm not interested in taking a prescription the rest of my life, but that I want to solve the problem. Her solution? Buckle up kids. Some blood work, and try the FODMAP diet for 3 months, when I see her again. FODMAP stands for a bunch of chemistry terms I can't pronounce, but essentially it's a gluten, lactose, and fructose free diet. Sheesh! I have no idea where to start, and I'm certainly afraid to step foot in the grocery store again, for fear of touching something I shouldn't buy and therefore exploding. My doctor gave me a few guide lines to help me get started, but they are sparse. Mom says I should live on bacon, rice, and bananas for 3 months. Mmm, delectable. So! I'm sure I'm not the only one who's endured this death sentence trial, so does anyone have any tips, recipes, or thoughts? Right now, I plan on eating up what's currently in my cupboard and slowly converting as I need to replenish, as opposed to going cold-turkey.
On a smaller note, I woke up with sinus/chest junk, or as Mom would say, the "-itises." Looks like I'll be spending part of my Monday birthday at my regular doctor and pharmacy.
I guess here is where the new year's goal meets the road- being excited about these things that have come my way so far proves quite the challenge already!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy 2013!
I had a blast last night ringing in the new year with 3 great families from our church. We had appetizers, watched the guys blow up lots of fireworks, and then played Just Dance 4 on their Wii before watching the ball drop in NYC! Two of my favorite friends were there last night and had just returned from holiday travels earlier in the day, so most of the time was spent laughing until our sides hurt about what happened over Christmas.
Today I enjoyed getting some sun at a beach up the road, where there is also a rope swing. A nice, relaxing place to be that wasn't too crowded- hopefully not too many others discover that little niche :).
To add to my enjoyment of new year's, I've been house-sitting for one of my other favorite Maui friends. I could thoroughly enjoy her lifestyle here if she decided to stay on vacation until August 18! Having my own space, washer/dryer, and car has taught me how much I enjoy and miss having my independence.
I will be 25 in a few days, and something about that number makes me excited to see what will happen in this age. So my goal for this year is to enjoy where I am in the moment, and to be excited about what comes my way this year. I don't know any specifics yet to solidify these goals, but perhaps that will come with some time.
What do you want to accomplish in 2013?
Today I enjoyed getting some sun at a beach up the road, where there is also a rope swing. A nice, relaxing place to be that wasn't too crowded- hopefully not too many others discover that little niche :).
To add to my enjoyment of new year's, I've been house-sitting for one of my other favorite Maui friends. I could thoroughly enjoy her lifestyle here if she decided to stay on vacation until August 18! Having my own space, washer/dryer, and car has taught me how much I enjoy and miss having my independence.
I will be 25 in a few days, and something about that number makes me excited to see what will happen in this age. So my goal for this year is to enjoy where I am in the moment, and to be excited about what comes my way this year. I don't know any specifics yet to solidify these goals, but perhaps that will come with some time.
What do you want to accomplish in 2013?
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